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Pavlovna Spetzna

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destroy me, i'm yours [13 Aug 2010|02:57pm]
"i'll never truly be free until i let you get away from me," i keep saying over and over and over in my head to keep from chickening out.
i've never actually dumped someone before. i've left them without saying a word. i've let relationships peter out or explode into nothing. i've ignored calls until they stop calling.
in short, i've done it the shy, avoidant way.

but a part of that has to do with the fact that i've never been in love before this one.

anyway, dudes, the time has finally come to break up with david for real.

he just got out of the can on the sixth and it was really good at first. like, naming future progeny and wedding planning good.
him sober and me grown up was a nice, nice change.

i think the first turn was when he was second-guessing marrying me, so i said i wanted to date other men as well. he said, well sure, if you want to get someone killed, by all means. that i'm his and that i'm being ridiculous.
well, i'm not and it isn't.
of course the question came up, "well, can i date other girls then?"
and the answer is no.
because my goal in dating other men is finding someone to spend my life with, and his goal in dating other women is fucking a bunch of women.
i said he's welcome to date other women, but then he can't date me.

anyway i eventually backed down and agreed to be exclusive, just to shut him up, which was insincere and a compromise of what's in my best interest. so my failing to be my authentic self drove another wedge between us.

then our codependent tendencies returned, which is annoying and confusing and uncomfortable.
i told him this and he didn't respond well.

we blew up at each other last night at a party. he spat, "we can spend time apart, you know."
in front of everyone. even though he's the one crawling up my leg all the time.
so i sneered, "yeah, let's start now. don't stop until you hear from me. and don't hold your breath."
which was childish and not very impressive but at least my honesty returned.

he'll be back fairly soon and i'll have to do this properly.
wish me luck.
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bloop [10 Jul 2010|10:11pm]
the pulses and waves of this fucking sullenness roil in me as real as my blood, my bone.

the boredom, the pressure of my wandering, of being crushed by my longing, of being loved by someone who can give me everything except the very little i need, of loving someone different who loves me too but does nothing, of feeling innate purpose that i ignore.

it's not all bad, but on nights like tonight, when all i want is to quietly spend the dark hours amidst the people i, on whatever level, have love for, i end up sitting here feeling like a lit up christmas tree in an empty house.
it makes me want to sock the world in the nose.

fight. kiss. roil.
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boners n stuff [17 Jun 2010|06:01pm]
i went on a date last night and at about two thirty in the morning i asked him to leave and he said, "could we just lay here and make out for like fifteen minutes?" and i said no, and he said "five?" and i said no, and he said "two and a half?" and i said, "two."
and then it wasn't even two.

it was nice that he asked instead of just rolling on top of me and touching my boobs which is what i assume to be pretty standard from what i understand, but it pissed me off that he kept pushing the issue. five would have been alright but since he kept asking i wanted to make it none.

but i confuse myself with this a lot. i want to be asked, as a sign of respect for my comfort, but i find sexually timid people unappealing. and people who ask are generally NOT asking because they want to make sure your boundaries are respected, but because they're afraid, and being rejected with words might be easier than being pushed away.

i do want to pat myself on the back though for coming such a long way respecting my own boundaries. i remember around this time last year or maybe even a little before that i was making out with a guy at a party, and i had a skirt on, and he seriously just stuck his boner in me with no warning whatsoever and no invitation with body language or otherwise to do so. and i totally let him have sex with me for a couple minutes, and then basically rewarded his behavior by pulling away and offering to go down on him instead since i was uncomfortable.
and i have risen pretty far above that in retrospect.
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[04 Feb 2010|05:25pm]
fact spaghetti:

i have a serious wanderlust bug crawling around in my head

i like my nose

honesty is the best policy

i love mando

i am excited, excitable, and exciting

my right armpit smells like weed. i don't smoke weed. what?

that is all.
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boredom + scissors + cute = [14 May 2009|07:01pm]

but you have to admit.
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thanks linsey, this was fun. [24 Apr 2009|10:49am]
Step 1: Music player on shuffle.
Step 2: First line from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!
Step 5: If you like the game, post your own!

1. The beer I had for breakfast was a bottle of maddog and my 20/20 vision was fifty percent off.
2. When there is trap set up for you in every corner of this town and so you learn the only way to go is underground.
3. Bad kids! All my friends are bad kids!
4. We were talking about the space between us all and the people who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion.
5. Deep inside my heart and it's splintered at its core...and i don't actually know what she says next
6. oh jesus christ, it's a GISM song. like i could ever figure the first line of that one out.
7. She's got eyes like zapruder, mouth like heroin.
8. I've just seen a face I can't forget the time or place where we just met she's just the girl for me and I want all the world to see we've met, mmmm mmmm mmmmm mmmmmmmmmmm!!!
10. I got my feet knocked off the ground, I got my head knocked off my feet...
11. To inhaling crushed bones through a dried up white-out pen and riding the backwards racer in hot June rain in a matching blue and gold plastic bag poncho raincoat!
12. When you were young you were the king of carrot flowers.
13. We're goin down the road towards tiny cities made of ashes I'm gonna hit you on the face, I'm gonna punch you in your glasses - oh no!
14. I CAN'T GO TO WORK. THE BOSS IS A JERK! I ain't got time for this school! Those fuckers are fools!
15. Ask me about my mother and I'll tell you that I love her cos she feeds me all kinds of foods, la da dum!
16. Get your lighters, roll that sticky, let's get high!
17. She says, let's go to Brighton beach and tap our foot to disco..
18. I don't wanna get over you, I guess I could take a sleeping pill and sleep at will and not have to go through what I go through.
19. akldjfaldsk when the sun comes up! We're drinkin and doin drugs! MY BLOOD'S 100 PROOOOOOF
20. I lie in an early bed thinking late thoughts, waiting for the black to replace my blue.
21. I want to spit, I want to punch you in the face! I'd like to see you laid away in a wooden case!
22. Oh we don't looking for trouble, cos trouble's always on our tail!
23. Hey! Dickface! Hey! Ooooh!
24. Damn. I'm broke. My feet hurt.
25. Every time I walk down the street - erection!
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Writer's Block: Five-Finger Discount [22 Jan 2009|06:30pm]
Have you ever stolen something and gotten away with it? Did you feel guilty about it later?

no, never. and yes, always.
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[24 Nov 2008|09:55am]
dear girls who write internet poetry,

do you hear me?

you are sullying the good name of females everywhere.

i smite your poetry and all who enjoy it. i will you a prompt and violent death. i hope an animal of some sort disembowels you, and i hope it doesn't write poetry that's heavy with the metaphor of your rotting entrails.

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[03 Nov 2008|01:23am]
coming back from sf, with heart shaped glasses, lollipops, and cigarettes
ready to be lolita and marla singer for halloween
we're on the bus, me n aryanna.
and suddenly i have an epipipipiphany:
so instead we pull on short shorts and tube socks, we flip our t-shirts inside out and write the boys' respective bands of allegiance, and pomp our hair.

on our way to the bus
we get invited to yet another party. vodka, rum, and a beer.

get to the bus, get to oakland, get to purple house, david and tony and christina and natalie and us:
"this is boring. let's go to hellarity."
after an eighties dance-off, i fall asleep

christina takes us out to breakftis saturday morning. david pours beer into his water glass. natalie has ice cream. some of us are wearing shoes, all of us are wearing mud. the world keeps on turning, and so do heads.

we twirl and sing our way back to hellarity in the torrential downpour.
we play spin the bottle.

am i really having sex while other people are in here?
aryanna said we sounded like
smackety smack smack rawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwr!
i've had sex in this bed before, but not with you, is what i said.
fucking classy

happy birthday!!

i hope my momma don't read this
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[13 Oct 2008|10:31am]
theo! ouvert!Collapse )
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my mom and ded well be pleaced to hear [12 Oct 2008|02:55pm]
since the lsd, i confuse letters.
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[06 Oct 2008|01:46pm]

this done be the best shit i seen in a longs while.
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wisdom from a softer world [06 Oct 2008|01:27pm]
there are no sweeter words than this.

nothing lasts forever.
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[05 Oct 2008|06:46pm]
"good morning, ladies."

a fist slams on the table.
aryanna and i peel our faces off it and look around blearily. the owner of the fist says, "you gotta keep your heads up, girls. this is a restaurant, not a hotel room."
men in baggy pants with cigarettes behind their ears laugh. i look at the clock. it's three forty seven am.
"are you gonna buy anything?" he asks gruffly. he has a broom and one of those long-handled dustpans. he looks as awake, excited, clean, and beautiful as i feel.
since we're at carl's junior and, besides, i am the proud owner of eighty cents, i say flatly, "no."

so we shiver more than walk our way to the donut shop across the way where the cake variety were not only edible but, gloriously, eighty cents.
maybe it wasn't the worst night of my life after all.

we huddle together in the warmth given off by cooking confections and share our trophy.
all in all, we deduced, lovefest had been neither loving nor festive, and though our attire was well-suited for the rave, it was not incredibly utilitarian on the streets of the tenderloin in the wee hours of the morning.
aryanna was in a dress so short you could see what she had for breakfast and stripey thigh-highs, offset by her ked sneakers, but made up for with enough eyeliner to appease masses of tease-haired marilyn manson kids. i had glittery neon pink trickles of tears running down my face, perfect circles of rouge on my cheeks and lips all slicked up and shiny. i had on my usual uniform of obnoxious miniskirt and diy shirt, though i looked like a nun in comparison to the gold hotpantsed and fairy-winged crowd who sucked on pacifiers and weaved patterns of day-glow light trails around their bodies as the music throbbed.

i motionlessly kicked myself for not being on drugs, because i wanted to be one of the shimmery girls fanning their faces with fliers in the forty-degree heat, chewing on a bottlecap and describing smells and colors as "intoxicating" and "delectable."
instead, aryanna and i shivered and sulked, traipsing from cafe to cafe until we got kicked out, trying to kill time until the bart started running at four.
fuck, sunday. doesn't start until eight.

we did get home, though, at seven in the morning, and i think i'm ready for somebody - anybody - to kill me.
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fuck [24 Sep 2008|10:42pm]
[ mood | fuck ]


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[07 Sep 2008|03:20pm]
i'm also quitting smoking.

the metal in my mouth from having my jaw wired up has totally ravaged my gums and the insides of my cheeks. it's bloody and the brackets have pushed my gums upward, leaving extra tooth exposed up top. it's damn ugly.
also, i have some chips in my teeth from the accident (a painful one that's all the way to the nerve in a back molar, and a v-shaped cut in my lower front teeth, and just various snags off of edges elsewhere that i can feel more than see).
i keep arguing with my mom about it.
if bones can regrow, than teeth can regrow, and everyone knows gums can regrow. so, no, i will not get the chips filled in with porcelain and i will not get them filed down. i will not put a cap over the molar with the exposed nerve.
instead, i'll quit smoking, use toothsoap, and eat raw and my teeth can regrow and re-enamelate themselves, dammit.
so wish me luck!
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[07 Sep 2008|12:32am]
i'm dragging alyce to the bay. whoo!

and i have made a promise to my bad self:
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a very rough draft of some dubious ramblings [04 Sep 2008|12:41am]
i have been communicating as little as possible with everyone for the past month or so.

i'm better now, though. hi!

this summer i did everything i disagree with. i pushed limits and i rendered myself apathetic so that i could coast blithely through horrifying things. i allowed myself to be molded by my surroundings into someone i hate.

always on the back burner, there were the fervent protests from the steam on the stove:
you're something you're not.
you don't mean that.
why are you doing this?
that's not true.
this is against everything you stand for.

and i pushed it aside. i was miserable, but somewhere i told myself it was for a reason.
i doubted that until now.
in the long run, i think it did me good.

now i know exactly why i stand for what i stand for, and i've found new things to be passionate about, too.
i've grown as a person without permanently deadening myself to everything, as my peers are so apt to do.
instead of smiling in a detached way while i chameleon myself into my current surroundings, i am confident enough in my beliefs and in my worth to be able to develop my own ideals.
i no longer need to cling to extremism to feel like i'm doing everything that i can, and i know that there are ways to make things that seem fundamentally wrong work for me, so that i get the best of both worlds without fucking anyone over.

i feel somewhat like i've become an adult without discontinuing my subscription to childhood, which is a goal i've always had in mind.

dictated but not read.
yours very truly.
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[18 Aug 2008|09:54pm]
white lines on your mindCollapse )
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[18 Aug 2008|03:43am]
i haven't slept in days.

i keep reminding myself that i'll get out of here soon, though it's little consolation by now. i've been saying that since may.
i'm restless. i pick at things and scheme away the hours of daylight. i could use the time wisely but i'd rather paint and plan.

alyce informed me that nik has grown weary of my "angsty teen ideals." at first i was stung, but she reminded me that nik decides whether people are worthy of life or not based on what music they like, has mental breakdowns about taco bell, and curls up in a fetal position on the side of the road and screams until the police come if he doesn't get his way.

i've been seeing them anyway, though, not that it matters.
i'm still alone when i'm not. i may as well be sitting in a holographic pool hall with cardboard cutout friends and computer generated conversations.
after all, you wouldn't expect genuine affection from a stripper just because you slid a five against her thigh, would you?
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